My Graduation Speech.

As predicted, ice cream making and shop running duties have kept me from the trusty Ice Cream Diaries, and more importantly, from my latest little writing project, The Sundae Experiment. It's been a fun little writing adventure so far, and I look forward to continuing it soon. Well, if not soon, in the Fall when some bit of balance returns to my life. In the meantime, I've had a writing idea swirling around in my head, since I caught the cool and inspiring graduation speech by Alan Alda at the Williston Northampton School a few weeks ago.

If you want to check it out, here it is...



It got me thinking, and it could pass as a Sundae Experiment question, what would I say if I were ever asked to give a high school graduation speech? I don't expect that to happen anytime soon, but I thought it might be fun to ponder what kind of advice I might espouse if given a podium overlooking a pond of caps and gowns.

Hmm.

Of course, it's crazy to even think of posting it here right after Alan Alda's great speech, so hopefully you haven't watched it yet. What the heck, life is about taking chances, so let's give it a shot..

Congratulations, class of 20(xx). You're about to commence upon the next leg of your life's journey. You've successfully made it through most of your adolescence in one piece. The person you see in the mirror is starting to look very much the likeness of the character you will play in the lifelong reality show called 'You'. Today, you're not so much celebrating the past four years of high school as much as your commencing into the world, like toasting a ship's maiden voyage rather than the four years in dry dock it took to build her. No matter what's next for you, college or working world, your scholastic obligations to society and to your parents have been met. You are free to go where the wind or your whims take you.

You should feel both liberated and terrified.

Let me administer my first advice with the following: take a deep breath, and enjoy this moment.

Your life's party is just getting started.

I can assure you there will be highs, and there will be lows. The good and bad news is both will pass. And when they do inevitably pass, let them go. Feel free to savor the good times, tell stories and look at photos. Don't be afraid to think about the not-so-good times too, for those will provide all the insights you need to navigate whatever lies ahead for you.

Sure, I've read all the best self-help books from Chopra to Gilbran, and you can too if you that's what inspires you. But I thought rather than lean on Steven Covey for his seven habits or drop my favorite Anais Nin quote, 'There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom', I'll save you some time by summarizing it all here - all the answers you seek are already inside you. I'm nearly certain this statement means nothing to you, but that's ok, you'll figure it out in your own time.

After high school, I went to college. Why? 2 reasons. One, because my parents never once made me think there was any other option. They weren't Mommie Dearest about it by any means. For them, it's just what you did to prepare yourself for a successful career, a solid way to provide a comfortable lifestyle for yourself and your future family. End of story.

The second thing that convinced me college was the best next step, believe it or not, was playing the Game of Life. If you remember playing that game, at the beginning you are faced with the choice of going down the college path or the career path. The college path almost always leads to bigger paydays for the rest of the game. After all, the object of the game of life is to have the most money when you reach the end, retirement.

I'm here to tell you that life doesn't always mirror movies, books, or board games. Sure, money can bring a certain amount of happiness, but not if it comes for the price of a job you hate that keeps you from being with the people you care about or doing the things you really want to do. To quote myself (although I'm fairly certain that's a blatant speech faux pas), 'there are plenty of unhappy people in big houses.'
That's not to say that I don't still recommend college highly. It can and will open doors for you that might otherwise remain closed or be much tougher to push open.

And just like the board game of Life, you will be faced with many other decisions. To marry, to have children, to buy a house, to save for retirement, to change careers, to get a tattoo. Some will work out better than others, but all will serve their purpose in your life. I went to college for engineering, graduate school for business. I worked at a giant company called AT&T for over ten years. Was I unhappy there? No. Could I have worked there my entire career and been fairly content? Sure. But a little voice kept whispering to me, 'there must be something more for you.' Had I not taken the action to look for another job, I would have missed out on an amazing start-up experience followed by two years of world travel which ultimately lead to a career 180 into ice cream and all things sweet.

My message is pretty simple. You may feel pressure right now to make this huge decision about what you want to be for the rest of your life. And if you know exactly what that is already, that's great. But no matter whether you do or you don't, it's fairly likely you may be doing something completely different in ten years anyway. Or twenty. Which, as you will hopefully learn, is one of things that makes life great.

Make the best decisions you can for the reasons that matter (hint: it's not about the money).
In the infamous words of fictitious fun-lover Ferris Bueller, 'Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.' True dat.

Push yourself to be better but don't beat yourself up too much if things don't work out exactly as you had hoped.

And remember, wherever you are in your life is exactly where you are meant to be. Don't let anyone try to make you believe otherwise.
Congratulations, Godspeed, do some good, and have some fun.

Sundae Experiment: Lori

This latest Sundae Experiment is with long time customer and friend, Lori. She and her daughter Bella have been dropping into Mt. Tom's for many years now. It was a fun conversation that started off with a 'what do you do for a living' question, hovered there for a bit, then became a spirited discussion on the Tao of owning your own business, a topic near and dear to my heart, needless to say. Entrepreneur or not, I hope you enjoy.

Hi Lori. Welcome to the Sundae Experiment.

Fire when ready.

What is it that you do?

I own a business that maintains fish tanks. We set them up, buy the fish, maintain them, replace the fish if they die, soup to nuts, er guppies to tetras. I have two employees.

Fish tanks are cool to look at but it’s like having a cat and that darn cat box.

Everyone says I’d love to have a fish tank, but I don’t want to have to clean it. Translation - job security.

The places I work are usually where someone is assigned to clean the fish tank who eventually calls me and says, ‘Even though it’s my job, I don’t want to do it.’ If you’re in a corporate setting, you probably come to work with heels and a skirt on, you don’t want to be cleaning a fish tank. That’s the beauty of my job. I show up in jeans and a t-shirt and nobody questions that.

I like it. I’ve been doing it for 12 years. It was already a business. I bought it from somebody. When I bought it, I had 130 clients, now I have 250.

Wow. Had no idea it was that big.

I have clients from here to Rocky Hill, CT, Palmer, Ware, Westfield, and as far north as South Deerfield.

It’s just me and two part-time people. Each has their own set of customers they visit once a month. They get to develop a relationship with that customer and learn the quirks to each tank.

Yes, and some people, no matter how hard I try, I don’t get along with them. (laughing)

I think that’s a key to managing people - match the personality to the task or the client. One of my employees is meticulous, but likes to talk a lot. Don’t get her talking. Any business who’s got a type A person, ‘get in, get out’, we don’t send her. They just won’t like her, she’d be too social. It’s been a study in human nature.

It’s about figuring out what people are good at, finding their strengths.

And exploiting those strengths. In a good way.

People like my other employee. People really like her. She’s a Libra - the balance, I’m the crazy psychotic one, and the other one talks too much. So it all works out.

Sometimes I get sick of working. I work a lot of hours. Then I think what else do I want to be doing? I could never be in the corporate situation, anything that involves bureaucracy.

The story about making ice cream sandwiches you wrote about in your Ice Cream Diaries once - You thought of it one night, then went in the next day, and just did it. You didn’t have to check with anyone. That’s exactly it. I can’t stand going through all those layers of stupidity until you get to someone who can make a decision. Only to have them say ‘that’s not how we do things here’.

How did you start your business?

I was working at a pet store in Holyoke and also managing a pet store in Longmeadow. It was a little stressful. And my daughter was three. Even with two jobs, I wasn’t making enough money. I was talking with one of my regular customers who I knew had a service. He only bought fish, never bought food or any other stuff because he had the service. One day he came in and bought food and plants and a bunch of other stuff, so I asked him, ‘I thought you had a service’.

Turns out, the people who owned the service sold it, and the new owners weren’t coming, but they never told him anything. He was pretty mad about it. He was in Granby, and they just didn’t want to go there. But they never told him so that’s why he was mad. I knew that service had all the big tanks.

I thought, wow, now would be a great time to get into that business. But I was working 65 hours a week at those 2 places. I called the original owner and said, ‘you should have sold this business to me because the other people are destroying it.’ We talked it over, he showed me his customer list. I talked it over with my dad who gave me good questions to ask him. Then I just went ahead and did it. It was very scary. It wasn’t like anything I ever thought I would do. It’s not a glamorous job. It took a while to adjust from an hourly mentality to a ‘I own a business mentality’. I think I’ve made the jump now.

I’ve always described owning your own business as ‘a lifestyle’.

People always say, why don’t you get other people to clean the tanks and then you can just kick back and not work. Well, first of all you have to pay those people, and after that, will there be anything left from what you received to do the job?

It’s the classic entrepreneur’s dilemma – what’s the value of time versus money to you. Making more free time takes away from your profits. And you need a certain amount of profit for a business to remain viable.

You can try to replace that lost profit with more customers, but more customers often means more problems. And sometimes the problems are the ones you have to address yourself.

Timothy Ferris, in The Four hour Work Week, talks about Pareto’s Rule. He suggests studying where your profits are coming from. Pareto’s Rule predicts 80% of profits are coming from 20% of what you do. This may be why the new owner dropped your pet store customer from Granby.

I do try to streamline to minimize travel time. Some jobs require two people to clean – you need eyes on both sides of the tank. It makes the job must faster.

When I make ice cream, I’ve learned you can save a lot of time if you strategically order the flavors you make in a day. This minimizes the number of times you have to wash-out the machine. Trying to work smarter not harder, right?

One of my clients is a car dealership. They called because they wanted me to take a dead fish out of their tank. I had to charge them twenty bucks, since it took me time to get there. They were horrified by that. Last time I got windshield wipers there, they charged me $24 and $60 to put them on. I told them it didn’t take an hour for you to do that, but you charged me an hour anyway. I don’t want to hear any complaining.

Do you offer a warranty?

Yes. That's why I try to control the fish tank. Including buying the fish. If they buy a fish and add it to their tank, all bets are off.

I'd guess overfeeding is a big fish killer.

And underfeeding. I’ve noticed that skinny people underfeed their fish and heavy people way overfeed their fish. And their dogs and their cats. People play with the automatic feeders.

Do you ever take time off?

Not much. If you own the business, you can do whatever you want, but you always have to ask how is it going to affect your business.

Therein lies the dilemma.

Last summer I went away for 4 or 5 days, I said to myself, 'I'm just doing it, I’m going away.'

I scheduled it so most of my clients were done ahead or could be done when I got back. That’s the other drawback, with my kind of business, we have x number of people that have to be done in a month, and if you miss one, you can’t go twice in the next month, because that’s not fair. You either miss out on the money or jam them all in. You end up working really hard before you leave and after. That leaves you wondering, are these few days off worth it, because I’m exhausted.

Then there's the part about what if something happens while you're away. I've been working hard this past year on that work/life balance and that's the toughest part, leaving your 'baby' home alone with the sitter.

You can train someone in every possible scenario. And then something else will happen that they’re not able to handle and don’t know what decision to make, and then they make it and you wonder ‘why did they do that!’

And there's the part about people liking to see the owner there.

What’s the worst that could happen right?

Having a cell phone and exploiting my crew's passion for texting is extremely helpful. Back when my parents had their ice cream shops, I remember Dad having to find a payphone every time he wanted to check in. That was the only way he'd get word something might be wrong.

When I worked at the pet store, I worked there for eight years, and I took one vacation day. I never took a vacation, it wasn’t even my own business and I never wanted to leave it. Even when I did finally take a vacation I called every day to make sure everyone showed up, and to keep tabs on what was happening. Part of that is my own fault because it’s my own personality.

It’s hard to find people that care as much as you (the owner) does.

If it’s still fun, keep doing it but when you commit so much time to your business, time goes by fast, do you ever wonder if you'll have regrets for the sacrifices?

I have sacrificed time with my daughter and as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to put limits on that. People are very demanding, they call me day, night, weekends. I’ve had people call me at three in the morning. I’ve learned if you put a boundary out there, people will respect it. The guy who called at three a.m., he had just figured out he needed to move his tank to put down a new floor. ‘First of all, I’m not going to do anything at three in the morning,’ I told him. 'Secondly, you knew you were putting in a new floor months ago, why are you calling me now? Earliest I can do it is day after tomorrow.' Most people understand. Obviously, I do my best, and a lot of times I answer off the cuff, ‘no way until next week’, then I go home and look at my schedule and figure out I can to it in two days, and I'm a hero.

One customer wanted to get a fish tank for his little kid for Christmas and could I come on Christmas eve to set it up. I said no, because I have my own kid, and it’s a pretty big deal to me too.

I like 90% of the people I work with. If something goes wrong at the beginning of the day, it’s hard for me to let go of it. You want everyone to be happy. It’s impossible.

After those days, you just go home and decompress and let it go over a bottle of Bass? Sorry, bad fish reference, couldn't stop myself.

Tomorrow's another day. That's probably the biggest drawback I do say. Sometimes I think I'm going to sell this business and just get a job at Starbucks as a barista where you just clock in and make a few coffees and then go home, and you don't have to think about it.

So what would you do next if it stopped being fun?

That is the thing. I could never imagine myself working in an office again. Even when I ran the pet store, I thought I wanted to run a pet store, but I'm not sure I would even want to do that anymore. At least this way, if I go to someone's place to look at their tank and I get a gut feeling I'm just not going to get along with this person, I just say sorry I can't fit you into my schedule. So I have a little bit of control. Even if I sign up a customer who I don't quite see eye to eye with eventually I find someone in their company I can work well with, someone who's on my side, because you always need someone on your side to keep an eye out for the fish. Because you're only there once a month.

Sometimes people say I'm a little hard to work with, but I don't see it that way. I'm not mean, really. I just say it like it is.

People need to know how important it is to listen to my instructions. Their fish's lives are at stake. Sounds a bit dramatic, but it's true.

When I was 'between careers' and contemplating a life of ice cream, I asked my Dad for his advice. The first thing he said was, 'you don't want to do that. It's a ton of work and time, and you won't have time for a family and a normal life.' In hindsight, he was pretty spot on there, although, as I've mentioned in blog entries over the past year, it's a problem I'm trying to solve, with a few tools from my past career, ironically enough. If your daughter were to someday ask you the same question about starting a business, would you recommend it?

I think I would as an alternative to working for someone else your whole life. At least, when you work for yourself and you're not making enough money, you can do something about it. You can work harder. When I worked at the pet store, I was the hardest working person there, I never took a vacation, and I took a deep interest in every animal in there. I worked really hard to know about all the animals. I have a degree in biology but that wasn't very helpful - I knew all the internal organs of a rabbit but I couldn't tell you how to keep it alive for ten years. I did a lot of reading, made up information sheets people for people to take, I wanted people to have a good experience and take care of their pet. That made me good at that job, but it didn't make me any more money.

Do you think that'll be your legacy?

I don't know. People just call me the fish lady. I found it a little offensive at first, but I'm over it now. I do know that most places that have fish, people really enjoy them, especially the nursing homes. My company make tanks look good, and people like that.

Therein lies the satisfaction. I always tell people don't do it for the money.

Do what you like to do, and make it something you're going to do for a reason. If it's something you like to do and that people will like, the money will follow. I think that's what I've found. The money did follow. I loved the pet store, and the people who worked there were my family. I worked 80 hours a week, one day off a month. I haven't worked there for 11 years (It was Animal City in Holyoke at the K-Mart plaza). People still come up to me and say, 'Didn't you used to work at Animal City?' All that time and energy for eleven dollars an hour. When I started the fish thing, and decided to leave, I even offered to help find and train a replacement.

I didn't want to leave. The owner told me sure, but I'm not going to pay you what I pay you now. I worked for him for 11 years, and he said he'd pay me what he was paying shift supervisors, $8 per hour. I said no, left in a huff that same day. Once I quit that job and dug into my fish business, it took off. I started getting new clients. So what started out as a very bad ending was actually a good thing for me and my new fish business.

You gotta be all in.

You do, it has to be your only thing. I was talking to a friend the other day about her getting married. And she said she wanted to live with him first to see how it goes. I said why bother? Either you love him or you don't. If you move in with him, and you realize he hides uneaten bowls of cereal under the couch, is that any reason to divorce him? It's the same way with the business, you just have to decide. I'm either going to do this to the best of my ability or get out. And then do what? I can't even envision myself filling out a job application now.

I supposed that's a risk of running your own business they don't cover in Entrepreneur 101 class. Once you've worked for yourself for a while, it's hard to go back to the world of TPR reports and office politics. Here's hoping we never have to.

I, and the thousands of fish across western Massachusetts, thank you.

You're very welcome, and thanks for the sundae.

If Lori's fish care service is something you or someone you know might be interested in, she can be reached at (413)-536-8578. http://www.aquariumproinc.com/

Sundae Experiment: Stasia

This one took a little longer, but I think you'll find it was well worth the extra time it took to transcribe and edit. No intro needed. This one speaks for itself. Hope you enjoy...




Cheers!

Mid-afternoon treat, espresso. Nice. (editor's note: contrary to popular belief, ice cream makers don't actually eat ice cream all day long.)

When I first thought of the Sundae Experiment, it was about wanting to get other people's ideas about life besides mine. Not from pros with names like Deepak or Dyer, but regular folk like you and me.

As always, the hardest part is to get rolling, so let's just start with a bit of background and see where it takes us.

Sounds good. Fire away.

Tell me a bit about what you do.

I'm a midwife in Springfield. Originally, I thought the reason I wanted to do that was to help people, but I think the real reason is I'm really nosy. I just love getting into the most intimate private spots in people's lives. That's really what drives it. And not only does that work with my patients but at a party I can just start asking women about their births and they're like, wow! And they can't wait to tell me because no ever asks them about that. So it gives me an in socially. And the women I work with are nothing, nothing like me. Some really heavy, heavy things. Had a woman whose resources were so thin, she was begging her boyfriend all night to please stop eating pizza and join her for the birth of his child. She had no one with her, just no resources. I can't say that I’m always inspired by these women, but they certainly give you a different perspective.

I knew that's was what you did, but had no idea it was like this. Wow.

The other type of midwifery, that is breaking break with women, and really being with them in the most empowering place they can be, that's great. I really don't do too much of that. The tradition of midwifery I work in is the tradition that has always served the under-served and forgotten women, and fortunately we have Medicare so I can get paid, where traditionally women have just done it for a chicken.

I assume you were trained as a nurse?

Yes, I was a nurse and worked in a pretty well to do hospital. Always knew I wanted to be a midwife, since nursing school. Didn't know I wanted to work with pretty under-served people until my first job in Chicago, that was really my first exposure I had with really poor women and what their lives are like. I found it really inspiring.

Here's where I would normally ask 'describe a person, place, book, or event that had a big influence on you'. Is it safe to say that Chicago job is that for you?

So I first started working with immigrants in Chicago. The practice itself was difficult, and I ended up leaving after 3 years to work with homeless women. That blew my mind. Just blew my mind. The change I was able to go through. The first time I went there for my interview, I was shocked. I walked in and couldn't wait to get out of the neighborhood. I was really freaked out, but I soon learned it was only rough on the outside. People were there to get help. We were there to give them help. And that was very obvious for the folks we took care of. And they weren't as crazy as they seemed from the outside. It was a really good way for me to get a good look at the underbelly of society and break bread with that a little bit.

Were these woman victims of crime?

It was a health center so the people there had to have a certain amount of self-awareness and mental competency to get themselves to their health care provider. There were plenty of health care workers who find people under the viaduct and in the shelters. I didn't do that. My services weren't needed in that capacity in that clinic. Most of the women I would see were very normal women who came on hard times. A third of them had drug and addiction issues and often a mental health component.

What's the best part of the job?

It's the connection with the people. I got it all night last night with this family I would have never known. Seeing women bond. In my current job, I see it a lot. Women really take care of each other. Unfortunately, their partner is in and out. The women, however, they rise to the occasion. And last night we had 8 or 9 women there, cousins, etc. and they were there to support the woman giving birth. I see that a lot. And I got to be part of that with those women. Last night was a little different, they weren't happy with the support and were about to start complaining until I got there. I think I get to provide a bit of a bridging of the health care system with folks that just aren't really made to feel welcome.

When you're not midwifing or being a Mom, you do Yoga. Do you feel that helps you to be more compassionate in your job?

It must. I think it helps the part of me that is able to be vulnerable with people and not feel broken and not feel like I have to protect myself from strong feelings for patients. I definitely have fallen for a majority of my patients. I think that's a strength, and I don't think I could do that if I didn't feel strongly that I don't need to protect myself from those strong feelings, that those strong feelings are who I am and they make me stronger, and they don't make me make decisions that aren't medically correct just because I love them.

Can you understand why other health practitioners don't let themselves be so vulnerable?

I think we all have our own special gifts. I think that as a Scorpio, I came into this world with the ability to feel very raw and comfortable and see other people's vulnerabilities.

I imagine it would be hard to be a nurse and not have a certain tolerance for the highs and lows of the human condition.

I agree, and nursing in the hospital for me was really good training as a midwife in the capacity I worked. If you're going to be intimate with people, you gotta do it right now. This is your only opportunity, you're meeting them for the first time, and then they're going to go out. I may bump into them on the street but otherwise this is it, this is the only time we have. And it's really important, this can change her experience and I think that a lot of nurses, although very caring and compassionate, are just not willing to go there. Whereas as a midwife, you have the chance to build up a relationship over time which is part of why they let me in the door.

Also working with very under-served women makes me look at my problems in perspective. Look at my problems, these are good problems to have! I'm always arguing with my coworkers, I will always see people, even if they're two hours late. Have you ever tried to use the Springfield bus system?! I can barely make appointments with a working car and a husband that helps.

Not to mention that many of the women I've worked with are refugees. One of the best experiences I've had in my career was there. She was a young woman with her husband and 2 kids. It took about an hour and a half, we kept waiting for the translator. Finally, we did her appointment, she was 27 weeks pregnant at the time, 2/3rds through. I noticed she was very small and thin. I asked her basic medical questions, then a week later brought her back to check her again; took her weight, and talked to her about nutrition.

In that week, she had lost a couple pounds, so I asked her, she'd been in the country 3 weeks, her WIC cards had run out, asked her what she had eaten, 'let’s do a diet recall', we do them all day long. She told me she'd been living on potatoes and potato water. In the United States. And one of the most wonderful experiences I ever had, I said 'hold the phone' and I walked out and took all my coworkers lunches and I brought them in, and then I went out and brought her lists of places she could go in the area to get free food. I told her there's a lot of messed up things about this country, but you are going to eat every day! You get to eat. I bought everybody else lunch that day. I remember I had spent 14 bucks on lunch at Starbucks, take it! There she was, not complaining, not about to complain about it. Strong, strong people.

That is a great story. You did a noble thing there, and it seemed like it was instinctual for you.

Fast forward a decade and your kids are off to college for the first time. What would be your advice for them?

That depends on which kid I'm talking to. Different advice. Luke, my oldest, is so gifted socially. My advice wouldn't reflect my personal philosophies on life, it would reflect my concerns for their success. For Luke, take time every day that is not about connecting socially with people – sitting down, doing homework, having a coffee by himself, something that reminds him every day to connect with himself.

Tyman it would be the opposite. Hopefully, it would be to a different college than Luke. We're keenly aware of this ying-yang they have together. They do fit perfectly together but opposite strengths, Tyman is very strong at taking care of himself but has a hard time connecting and being in a social place without Luke. I think I would say to Tyman, remember who you are, that you are strong.

How do you keep the balance?

Yoga, couple times a week, I should be doing it more. I feel really strongly that midwifery is probably half of my life, my kids are a 1/3^rd, husband is whatever's left (laughing). If my kids were half and midwifery is ¼ of my life which it was for a while, I just don't function as well that way. I'm just not as good a full time mother, at least at this stage. I'm a much better part-time mom. I know that about myself, and I feel fine about that.

Quality over quantity.

When we do have time together, we try and get the most out of it. I would come home from work, and I'd only have 45 minutes before my son had to go to bed, and I’d just breastfeed him. I'm always amazed at how much love you can pack into 45 minutes. We're doing it, it's ok, he gets it.

I've dabbled with yoga and Qi gong and meditation. They all take time out of your day, but I think they have the power to provide stress relief and energy and focus that makes it well worth it.

I was talking with someone who was saying yoga is about how you feel afterwards, relaxed. For me, I love everything about it, including doing it. One time I heard a yoga instructor say, 'you're seeking the bliss' and yah, you end up being more flexible, but that's because if you do a lot of yoga you'll end up strong or flexible but that's not why you're doing it, you're seeking the bliss.' It's nice that you can be in touch with that. To really understand that you're not trying to hurt yourself, you're trying to explore yourself and grow and oxygenate, and that's very blissful. Bliss is nice.

Another benefit I've noticed with these practices, you feel less inclined to open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos after a yoga class. It puts you in a healthy state of mind.

Heat is a big part of the yoga I do now, and when I leave I feel like a big sponge, and I have to be wary of that. Sometimes I go home and the kids are crazy. When I'm about to walk into that I have to think, ok, I have to wring out this sponge a little but because I’m going to be really impacted by their moods. Drink a bunch of water, think of filling up a little bit. But I have to be really careful after doing those classes. If I have a glass of wine, it just feels like it goes deeper.

I recently heard Steve Jobs use the quote, 'Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right. And if you're not enjoying what you're doing, change it.' Do you agree with that?

Yah, absolutely. I'm kind of shaking my head in disbelief that I work in this amazing profession and not everyone feels that way. It's such an honor to be with families in these moments. Burnout happens. You can feel joy, I don't know if it matters what you do. I know yoga teaches this - finding the Zen in waitressing and cleaning the toilet. Being able to be present and do a good job and contribute wherever and doing whatever you're doing in that moment.

I think enjoying what you do comes when what you're doing lines up with what interests you, what you're good at, and what inspires you. I got some of that from engineering, but much more from being an ice cream shop owner.

It's a party when people come in here. Very joyous place. I say this to smokers with those last 3 cigarettes, 'I want you to sit down and enjoy it. Sit there and like it, enjoy it.' that's what people do here, they enjoy themselves. That's important in life.

It may be a little harder to find joy in cleaning the toilet, but it is all around you.

If I can inspire them to come to their doctor visits more often or take their prenatal vitamins, inspire a little self-care awareness, that makes me happy. I'm not really in this to change lives. If that happens, if I'm lucky enough to inspire someone enough that's great, but I wouldn't want to be that egotistical to think that way. People have their own path. It's none of our business in many ways as to how they are going through this life. I just try to connect with them.

It's still a nice thought, although you’re right, it shouldn't be an expectation. I think you underestimate your impact.

About a year ago I realized I was in this more because I was nosy than I wanted to change people's lives. And I thought, 'wow, that's really profound!'

When all said and done, what will be the thing that best defines you?

Being able to connect with people. What I see in my son Luke. I get a lot of feedback from patients that I am definitely on their side and I love them, and they can feel it, and they're psyched.

And why wouldn't they be.

Any parting thoughts?

There's a quote that's been rattling in my head last months...

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." — Pema Chödrön

Thanks for sitting with me, and thanks for doing what you do.

Sundae Experiment: Patrick

This week's volunteer, Patrick Brough, is well known around Easthampton for his tireless efforts at bringing folks together and highlighting all that is good in our little hamlet. Not the least of which being the creator of Easthampton's popular Good News page on Facebook and spearheading a successful effort to bring back the fireworks. If you are one of his friends on Facebook, you may likely know what he's doing right now. He reveals a bit more about himself over a sundae. Hope you enjoy...

I recently got a little feedback that I should get more background on the interviewee before I get to the good stuff. So let me start with this, how did you end up in Easthampton?

I ended up in Easthampton because of my wife actually. She was born and raised here. We met through a mutual friend who lives in Southampton. I'm from Rockville, Connecticut. I met her in 1996; we met in the summer of ‘96 around the time of the fireworks. We had met earlier in the summer but officially started dating around the time of the fireworks. I came up here when we started dating. She had just bought a house over on Prospect Street. It just worked out. I loved the area, and as soon as we started dating we were pretty much inseparable, so here I am.

What makes Easthampton so cool to you?

Rockville, Connecticut, where I grew up, is very similar to Easthampton, an old mill town. Rockville is the same thing, or was the same thing - booming back in the heydays of manufacturing. Similar in population too. Rockville is a baby sister to Vernon, Connecticut, like Florence is to Northampton. Basically, we lived in the Rockville section of Vernon. I wasn't as active in the community when I was growing up there, but when I came here I just felt like I wanted to be involved. Let me back up for a second. I actually worked in Hartford, so I was one of those guys up and over the mountain in the morning, 6:30 am, back at 7 at night. I was really just here to sleep and to recover on the weekends.

In 2000, some things happened with work, and I really wasn't happy there anymore. I’d been there ten years. An opportunity opened up at Finck & Perras here in town, where I still work today. While working there, and I should add that F&P is really big on community involvement, the local Chamber of Commerce asked the owner Dick Perras about joining the Board, but he wasn't able to they asked if he had someone that could, and he offered the opportunity to me. That's how I started my community involvement here in Easthampton. From there, it's just grown. I just love being involved, doing for others, helping this community grow. I just really enjoy seeing this city prosper.

You're got quite a presence on Facebook. One could argue whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’ve always felt your heart is in the right place there. You’re never in a bad mood, and you’re constantly plugging local businesses and happenings.

One of the things I have in my Facebook profile, and I can't recite it word for word, but it's something like 'I’m telling you now I like to share what I'm doing with you, and you may get tired of that, but consider yourself warned'. I enjoy letting people know what's going on, especially on the Easthampton Good News page. It makes me proud - the use of the ‘good news’ page. That started from a conversation I had with some people about being tired of hearing people talk about how horrible the town was and from what you read in the local newspapers. I knew there were good things here, through my work with the Chamber, Riverside Industries, and with the community in general. I thought it was a great opportunity, and even if I could get only a hundred people to listen to me talk about what is good about Easthampton, it would be worth it. Today we’re over 1100 people. That makes me really happy.

Your good news page is an accurate reflection of your personality. Your posts are rarely negative, unlike many you see. What's your secret?

I'm just generally a happy person. That's just who I am.

Care to share any advice with someone sitting next to you on the bus, metaphorically speaking?

I guess it's just one of those things that sounds silly, but 'don't sweat the small stuff'. I think people do, they worry about things. People say maybe I don't worry enough. But I think things really do work out. Bad things do happen, yes. I'm like everyone else, I do have bad days. It's funny, when I post something like that, everyone seems shocked and wonders what's going on. Stop and smell the roses. I don't really have a secret about what makes me tick.

Care to share an influential moment in your life?

Meeting my wife Gen was definitely the most influential event for me, moving up here, my two great kids, I couldn't be happier. I wouldn't change anything. I really wouldn't.

We live in a cool, ‘small town America’ town. It’s a tight community. It’s where burned out big city folk want to live.

I agree. The city really does welcome you, and anyone who says it doesn't isn't trying. Maybe you're not talking to the right people. If you need something, there are so many people you can go talk to, and you'd be amazed how willing people are to help you. No matter what it is.

I’ve always subscribed to the idea that you see what you want to see and what you expect to see. If you look for the good, you will see it all around you. There’s definitely plenty of good here.

Not to go back to the good news page on Facebook, but that's exactly why I put that together. I strongly believed people wanted to hear about the good things, but there was nowhere else to look. You can't open up the paper and expect to find good news all the time. The paper prints what sells, and unfortunately, it's bad news usually.

It’s amazing what you see in headlines on-line these days. Seems they’ll say anything to get you to click over to their site.

It’s as simple as the weather. A storm is coming! It’s a Nor’easter. Get your milk. Fill up your tank before it’s too late!

Anything to get you to watch the local news on TV all day long.

This tragedy or that tragedy, that's what sells. So I think when you have something like the good news page where people are posting good things and info, sharing about their trip to the park, or the kids from the high school that got to go to the State House to meet our public officials, those are the good things people don't hear about. I like to promote those things that people aren't getting a chance to see. Over a thousand people following that page, and not everyone follows everything every day, but I’d like to think they're there because they want to hear the good things that are going on.

It’s efforts like yours that make the world better. And if it makes you feel good to do it, not to get all Ayn Rand'y on you, why not, sounds like a good reason to do it to me.

It's the simple things, like the ‘Loch Nash Monster’ snow sculpture we did on the pond this winter. It was such a feel good thing that we wanted to do with the kids, so I put it out there on Facebook to see who would come out. We ended up getting a whole bunch of people. I was amazed at how much exposure we got for that, it was on the news for over a week. And for something good!

I remember when I first started Mt. Tom’s, I met a producer from a local TV news station. He really liked the shop and wanted to get me some exposure on the news somehow. He finally did, but it took a huge jump in dairy prices to have a ‘story’ to warrant a visit to the shop. Bad news still sells. I think your good news page is a great example that good news can sell too if you give it a chance. And it leaves you feeling good and not anxious and stressed. That’s a great thing you’ve got going there, hope this gets you a few more fans.

One final question, any predictions for the Red Sox?

They will not win 157 games. I think they'll do well. Like every Sox fan, I'm optimistic. 2004 taught us just because you're down doesn't mean you're out.

You really are an upbeat guy. Thanks for spending a sundae’s time with me.

You’re very welcome.

Sundae Experiment: Ali

Here's part 2 from our first 'Couples Sundae Experiment', let me introduce Ali. (rocking the Mt. Tom's hoodie I might add)...

What’s your favorite part of your day?

Lunchtime.

Wow. I’ve heard breakfast, dinner, and now lunch. Now you have to tell me why..

During the week, it's the time I'm able to get out of my work and just go for a walk, if it's nice out. It’s the one time of the day I take time just for me. I walk, read what I want to read, just relax.

So you have pretty hectic workday?

Not necessarily, I tend to make it that way. More than other people do. My work ethic is quite strong I'd say. I do web design. It’s interesting. I like it.

Will you keep working when you're a mom?

My husband spilled the beans!?

Congratulations!

Thanks.

How are you feeling?

Good. A little weird though. It doesn't seem real yet, since it's been so good, so easy so far. I hear horror stories from everyone else, and I just haven't gotten any of that.

It's not real until you're throwing up repeatedly?

They say the second half of the first trimester can be the worst, so we’ll see.

Speaking of food, besides lunch, what makes you happy?

It's the little things. Like cold ice cream on a hot day. Blue skies. Being outside. Hearing the birds. I especially enjoy waking up to the sound of the birds, that's always nice. We have owls in our backyard. Hearing them go back and forth, that's pretty cool. It’s little things like that.

Have you always felt that way about simple things, or more now?

Definitely more now. As I get older, I think more simply about things. When I was younger, I lived in Holyoke and all you could hear was the traffic, so I think living in Belchertown I really enjoy quiet now. It’s peaceful.

I agree. Quiet is a simple pleasure.

With my family, when we went on vacation it was always go, go, go. There was no down time. It was always what to do, what to see, what to eat next. Now we're married, and we go camping out in the woods where there’s nowhere else to go. It’s just you and nature and a good book, it feels great.

So you're a camper.

I don't know yet. We went camping once. It was quite an interesting experience for someone who had never been before. We were in a tent, and it rained all week. We ended up going home a couple days early. We love to kayak, so when you can't do that when it's pouring the whole time, it’s not so much fun. Every time it would stop we'd try to go, then it would start right up again. It was uncanny how it happened every single time.

I can see why you might not want to ever camp again after that experience. Moving right along then, let me ask you another question. You’ve just given birth to a bouncing baby boy, or girl. If they could understand you, what advice would you give your newborn child?

To relax.

A lot of people are so focused on what other people think about them and what other people think about what they're doing. Don't worry about that, just do your own thing, go with the flow, and don't get uptight about every little thing that comes along.

That's great advice, especially for when they hit high school.

It's taken me a while to get that.

If you were a ghost at your own wake, what would people be saying about you? What would you want them to be saying about you?

Hopefully they'll be saying good things. If it happened now, ‘Oh she was so young.’

Hopefully they'll all be crying hysterically.

No, no, no. Like my husband Jassen has said, if he goes early, he doesn’t want me to cry, rather he wants me to have a big party. That's not going to happen, if you lose someone that important to you, you can't just have a party and laugh about it, but everyone hopes for that. I guess I want them to say, 'She had a good run. She did everything she wanted to do.’

She was a good Mom.

Definitely!

Describe a person, place, event, or time that has had a big influence on you.

I suppose as in everyone's life there are events and things that affect and shape who they are, and I'm sure I have a quite a few, but there's not one in particular that stands out to me. Obviously, getting married was a big thing for me. The first time I moved out of my parents house and lived by myself, that was a big event for me because it showed me that I didn't want to live by myself. Even though it was only three houses down from my parents’, I hated being in that apartment alone. Something tweaked me out a bit, you could say.

Did you make yourself more available after that? Sometimes that works against you, like you send out a vibe of ‘desperate’. So you just decided you didn't want to be alone, and voila, you met someone?

Yah, it did kind of happen that way.

So when did you know he was the one?

Right away. Here's the thing. We first met in kindergarten. Soon after that, he moved to a different town, then he moved back just before high school. We ended up working at the same place in high school. We were always just friends. We hung out a few times but just as friends and always with a group of people, never just the two of us. To be weird about it, whenever I went on a date with someone I never felt nervous, never had butterflies, or any of that until him. And then it was like I just knew. It happened with one of my best friends too. Every time this guy would show up she'd get all nervous, and it was the same way with him.

That indescribable feeling.

He just called me up out of the blue. I'd only seen him once the year before, since we stopped working at the same place.

Sounds like you were just meant to be together. Your husband just told me about his break-up and that Summer of Sundays he spent fishing with Dad. The timing was wrong until it was right...

That’s a great story. Thanks for sharing.

Sundae Experiment: Jassen

This week's Sundae experiment presented me with a new challenge. My 'subjects' were relative strangers to me. As you probably noticed, my first three interviews involved friends, which in itself was cool and interesting, but they were 'safe', for lack of a better word. How would things go with someone I knew only in passing (e.g. getting ice cream every week)? Someone who didn't allow me the head start of already having a pretty good feel for who they were and where they came from. I must admit I was a little more anxious for these next two, but as luck would have it, I picked a couple of great and easygoing folks who made it as easy as chatting with old friends. It was a warmish sunny day, so I decided to take it to the backyard of the shop, overlooking one melting Nashawannuck Pond.

My two Sundae Experiment volunteers, Jassen and Ali, are married, and although there's definitely a similar theme to both of our conversations, I've decided to post just one at a time. I particularly enjoyed the story of how these two ended up together, but you're going to have to wait until Ali's piece for that part...

Up first, Jassen..

What’s the favorite part of your day?

I'd have to say when I get home and start cooking dinner. I like what I'm doing, but I've always wanted to be a chef. My mind goes away when I start chopping vegetables and getting spices prepared, just getting dinner ready. I love the smells that come off the stove or out of the oven.

What do you do for a living?

I work in sheet metal. I write programs that punch out the metal and bend it. Stuff like that.

Is your career a big part of your life? In other words, do you work to live or live to work?

I work to pay for what I live for. I go to work and while I'm there I'm completely dedicated, but the minute I get out, I'm out and it's time for my life. I try not to let the two mix. I don't bring work home. I do have to work overtime sometimes and once in a while I do think about stuff at home, but I try hard not to. Luckily, there’s not a lot I can do at home anyway.

Do you have any kids?

Actually, you’re the fifth one to know, we are now expecting.

Congratulations!

It’s exciting and nerve-wracking a little. We've planned it so it's not like it's 'oh my god'.

I can edit that out if you're not ready to go 'public' with the good news.

No, it's ok. I think most people know already.

You've always struck me as a happy guy, with an easy laugh.

I am. Why worry about things you can't control. Live each day, enjoy it.

Do you think about it much or just live your life?

I don't know if I work at being happy. I just let the little things make me happy. Like driving to work and the sun is coming up, and the sky is bright red. That puts a smile on my face. It’s the little things. I enjoy the little things. At the same time, I try not to sweat the little things. I try to stay pretty upbeat about everything, as long as I'm healthy, my wife is healthy, and my family is around.

Which is more important - money or time?

Time, definitely.

I wouldn't sacrifice time for more money at work. What good is money if you're at work all the time, not doing the things you want to do? I don't know, I try not to live beyond my means, but money definitely isn't happiness.

Here’s a variation of a question I’ve asked a few times now, customized just for you – what advice would you have for your newborn baby as he or she enters the world?

Never eat yellow snow. (laughs)

I don't know. I guess it would be treat others as you want to be treated. I know it's very cliché, but it's also very true. Treat everyone equally. Never hold a prejudice before you get to know them.

Then it's fine to hate them. I’m kidding.

If you really don't get along with someone, you don't have to get along. Just don't be evil for the sake of being evil.

It's simple stuff, but it really does go a long way.

It is. I guess that's just the way I try to live.

Everyone tries get more, and have more, and do more. Just tone it back a little bit. This is fantastic; we’re sitting here by the pond on a sunny Sunday and eating ice cream. This is as complicated as I want to be right now.

Is there a person, place, book, or event that had a significant influence on you?

There's this one summer about five or six years ago, I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship. I went home to see my parents, not related in any way to my break-up, just a visit. I told my Dad a buddy of mine had taken me out fishing in kayaks recently. I told him we should buy kayaks. We'd always gone fishing. Well, we did and when we got the kayaks, we ended up going every Sunday for that entire summer. We’d meet at 8 in the morning, have breakfast, load up the kayaks, and go fishing. I spent every Sunday of that entire summer in this boat, on one of the local ponds. You learn a lot about yourself when you're trying to catch a fish with a little plastic worm. You think about a lot. There’s a ton of time while you wait for that nibble on the end of the line.

The reason I brought up the bad relationship is because that summer it was fresh in my mind - what went wrong, what happened, how did it happen? What do I want out of the next one? I’m always trying to improve. That's just where everything kind of clicked. Just fishing and thinking about life. What do you want out of it? I used to be on the go all the time - in Boston every weekend, go, go, go. Just slowing down that summer is what really changed my perspective on things. Slow it down. This is all your need – a piece of string, a hook, and a worm. And someone to hang out with. That's really all you need.

Relationships can be good like that, even when they end badly. I think it's when you actually grow the most. It’s easy to not think about stuff when things are going well.

That summer was awesome. Talking with my Dad. We had separate kayaks - he'd go one way, I'd go the other, and we’d meet in the middle. ‘How'd you do?’ Then there were other times when we'd just follow each other along the shoreline and just talk about stuff. ‘What do you think about this? What should I do about that?’

I bet if I interviewed your Dad, he would probably tell the same story. Quality time like that with Dad can be rare and precious. Guys don't usually have long conversations with each other.

I agree, even now if I call him up it's a three minute conversation. ‘How are you doing? Good and you? Fine, I’ll talk to you later.’ But we do still go fishing. Our schedules have changed a bit, but when we go it's just like it was that summer. How's married life, the house, the job, etc.? It expands from there. It starts with a simple ice breaker then goes on to many things about life.

Things are clicking right along for you. That's great.

Life is good. That’s not to say I don't have any stress, because everybody does but I try to make the most of it. You never know what's coming next.

You know one thing that's coming next for you, good luck with everything. I'm sure you're going to be a great Dad. And thanks for joining me, it’s been fun.

I agree, this was fun, and thanks for the ice cream.

Sundae Experiment #3.

I don't need a lot of words to introduce this next sundae experiment volunteer. Suffice to say, the project is progressing nicely. During this great conversation about life and change with my good friend Joe, I began to discover that this whole interview process is more about not holding onto the questions so tightly, listening, and just letting the natural flow of the conversation take itself where it wants us to go.

Art imitating life once again.

What’s the best part of your day?

Breakfast. I made breakfast this morning. It's nice to make breakfast for someone who appreciates it.

Is that a different answer now that you’re with someone?

Yes, my time alone taught me an appreciation for the simple pleasures. Now that I’m with someone again, sharing those things is key. Breakfast is something simple; it's how you start your day, and it sets the tone for the day.

Define happiness.

Happiness is a tough call for me as it encompasses so many different things. You can be happy with different parts of your life, but not necessarily be happy overall. Right now, it goes back to simplicity for me. A year ago did a re-evaluation of my life, and I figured out what made me tick, who I was as a person and what I was really looking for out of life. I cut a lot of things out of my life I felt weren't necessary. The things that make me happy are the simplest things. It’s not about money for me, it's about my kids... about seeing them... about seeing smiles on their faces. Bringing a little joy to someone else brings a huge amount of joy to me now. Whereas before, I think I was a very selfish person and really didn't think about other people a lot. I went through a rōnin period. I discovered that happiness is not about money or things. It’s about surrounding yourself with people that care about you and that you, in turn, care about.

I know some things about your past. You lost your father after a long illness. Yet, it doesn’t seem that this triggered such a self-evaluation. Why now?

It was a culmination of many things. I think it was mostly my divorce which became final February of last year. All through the separation I sort of abstractly understood that my life was going to change. At that point, I realized I had a chance to remake my life a little bit, in the way that I wanted it to be. It was a chance to make changes that I'd only given half-hearted attempts before - an opportunity to start over.

Did you have any help with these changes? Books?

I'm a very introspective person, so for me it was more internal than reading any sort of self-help books or anything like that. All along I knew the kinds of things I needed to do, but it wasn't until I was forced to that I did. The dynamic changed. With the kids, it certainly changed. Most people do this when they have the kids. Their outlook changes. They become much more focused on the kids, and for me I don't think that ever happened. I think that was what was wrong with my life. I didn't understand that for me, my kids are a huge part of what I do and my motivation. Now I really think about how my decisions affect them.

At that point, you were no longer living with kids. The empty apartment effect perhaps?

One big point for me is I have a good relationship with my ex-wife. We have issues from time-to-time but for the most part it's very good. We get along better now than we did for years. We both are focused on the kids. Both of us just failed to live up to what was needed in the relationship. She’s become the friend that I think was lost along the way.

It was two years ago, Thanksgiving day. I went over and had dinner with the kids. It felt like a family. It felt good. Then I went home to an enormous house where I was house-sitting at the time. Suddenly, I was surrounded by this other family's happy life. It was really depressing to realize I truly was alone...alone of my own doing... the result of a choice that I had made – my getting divorced. It was a point where I realized I didn't like, in a lot of ways, who I had been. I realized if I was ever going to be happy again, if I were to ever get to a point where I liked who I was, liked the dynamic between me and my kids, me and anybody, I needed to make some major changes in myself.

That’s the upside of when bad things that happen to us, sometimes it forces us to deal with stuff.

I think that's true and you know this from our conversations already. But my ex-wife and I did not have the classic “bad” relationship. We weren’t fighting constantly. The kids weren't aware there was anything wrong. We were just incapable of communicating with one another. I knew my life wasn't right and wasn't going where I wanted it to, and as much as I loved my ex, I wasn't doing her any favors, nor myself and certainly not my kids.

More often, it's easier to do nothing.

I understand the power of entropy in your life. To make a change often requires an enormous amount of effort and a lot of soul searching. Thanksgiving was the cornerstone, and I think the capstone was moving over here to Easthampton and really feeling I had created something new.

That's a great story. Suffice to say, you're happy now. Or happier?

Happier. I have my moments of course. My problem is that professionally I'm not where I want to be. I'm doing a job, I don't have a career.

Sometimes you have to break things down, and work on one aspect of your life at a time.

A part of this worst time in my life, right around when I split with my ex, my personal life was in the toilet. I was miserable all around. It was just so overwhelming for me. I'm not a person who would classify myself as depressed, but I would have to say I was depressed. There were times when I'd come home and just want to sleep. For me, it was definitely a step by step process, getting my life in order one thing at a time. It was my personal life most of the time, although I wanted to get my professional life in order too because that affects where you want to go. I got my personal life in order first. I feel fortunate to have someone in my life now who's important to me, that has similar interests, similar problems as well, both of us struggling to find ways to do what we want to do versus just what you have to do to get by.

As a father, you can answer this question better than my first two interviewees. What advice would you give your kids when you drop them off at college?

I've actually thought about this one, since I read it in the first interview. I've expressed this to my children already. Don't rely too much on planning. Don't feel like the decision you make today is something you will have to live with the rest of your life as far as the kind of things you're looking at in college. I think back to when I went to college myself, and my life is in such a different place than it was at that time. Back then I was reacting to all the things around me, and I didn't know who I was. You're a kid and you're expected make a decision – What's your major going to be? Where are you going with your life? It's absurd to ask someone that at that age, an eighteen year old kid, to make that kind of life decision. Circumstances are going to change, you just never know.

But you may just need to pick a direction. I went to school for engineering, and look where I am now.

For me, what I will always express to my children – do what you love. Look for that thing you want more than anything else. I think for me I always was thinking along the lines of ‘what do I need to do to have enough money to buy a house?’ and all the other transient things you go through in your life. But, the overarching theme in your life... What do you love? What makes you tick? What makes your heart beat a little bit faster? Too many of us get caught up in a career. What's going to pay the bills? What's going to move me up the ladder? What do our parents want? For me, my father never pushed me in any direction. He was physician, and Mom was a nurse. I had no desire to go into medicine. He was an old school doc and did house calls. The medical profession is not that world anymore. I wasn't interested in the direction it had gone. I didn't know what I wanted. I was interested in aviation and wanted to fly. But I didn't want to go into the military. To become a professional pilot as a civilian is nearly impossible. I bounced around for a long time and don't think it was until I moved to Massachusetts that I really got that love of the arts and writing. It had always been there, but I had never thought of it as a viable career choice. But I was fortunate, I landed in the best place in the U.S. for the kinds of things I wanted to do.

Is that still where you're headed?

I've been revisiting projects I had been wanting to do for a long time. For the most part, I had only been thinking about them. Having someone behind me that needles me if I don't do it, that helps a lot. It's one thing to have supportive people around you (‘you can do this, you have the talent... ability’), but I've never had someone consistently behind me saying 'Why aren't you doing that?' Why aren't you working on that project?' At times, it's a slippery slope. You don't want to feel like you're being hectored into anything, but you also want a strong force behind you. I'm not good at self-discipline by any means.

There's always a million reasons not to do something.

Absolutely.

This metamorphosis has made you a better parent.

Very much so. And I think I'm supportive of anything my kids want to do. I give them as much guidance as I can. But I realize they're going to go off and make their own lives. My father was the kind of person that never gave any specific direction or push towards anything as a career. But he was a larger than life figure, and always gave me a sense of approval or disapproval with everything I did – very strongly. Whereas with my kids, while I'll support them, I would never tell them not to do something because it's not practical or not a good way to make a living. We often end up falling into a career we don't like and makes us miserable and then twenty years later find ourselves wondering where we went wrong.

It can be hard for parents to encourage kids to go into a profession like art or music where they know it will likely be a struggle.

Absolutely, but they will have that struggle inside themselves regardless. An artistic type, if they are working in a lab someplace or as an insurance adjustor, will have that feeling that the soul inside of them is just withering. And the struggle that you have as an artist is nothing compared to the struggle you have doing something you don't love.

Thoreau says most of us live 'lives of quiet desperation'. Do you agree?

Certainly. Absolutely. The thing is, I think a lot of people are very good at fooling themselves, at least temporarily, into feeling what they're doing is ok - they've made that choice to sell out, or do what they feel they had to do. It hits people on a cyclical basis where they understand they aren't doing what they should be. When that happens... that realization is a terrible thing.

This realization can spark two reactions – ignore it or fix it.

Yeah, you bolt. I think that's partially what I did to a certain extent. For years, I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't know exactly what I want. But at least I know the parts of my life I want to examine more, and I know that it's impossible to ignore those things. They’re always going to rear its ugly head down the line if you don't take the time to at least put some effort into doing what you want.

Any last thoughts?

For my daughter on her fifth birthday, I made a little container with five things I thought she needed throughout her life. Two of those were a pencil and a pen. The pencil, in order to write down those things that change, and the pen to write down those that are constant. I told her that she will be tempted to use the pen... to hold it in her hand and start to write with it often, but always to use the pencil. She should be open to change and not to think about life in absolutes. You can always make changes in your life.

Did I earn my ice cream or am I going to have to pay for it?

No I think that's a keeper. Thanks for sharing your story.

Sundae Experiment #2.

Just wrapped up the write-up on interview/sundae conversation number 2. Interview skills slightly better. Questions a little more refined. This time my 'subject' actually had the sundae, so I got to see how the timing worked out. Not sure yet if his sundae consumption speed is typical, but he finished in around 15 minutes, nearly perfect amount of time for me to fire a generous number of questions. The project is progressing nicely. Now it's about 'just doing it'. Got a good number of takers, but can always have more, so don't hesitate to drop me a line or mention your interest next time you're in the shop.

So without further delay, let me introduce Peter...

How would you define happiness?

Happiness to me is about having things and people you like around you and having goals with those people and things. These are goals that are attainable, that you believe are attainable, so you can make progress toward them, so that you’re content with what you have but also seeing something growing from that.

What makes you happy?

Having something or being in a situation that isn't happy or is upsetting and figuring out how to turn it into something good. I try to look at it as a whole then break it down, and figure out ways to make it better. It makes me happy when I can help people appreciate how you can turn something into a happy situation even if it's not. It’s easy to be happy on Christmas morning, but it’s the not-so-perfect days that really help determine your level of general happiness.

Describe a person, place, book, or event that had a significant impact on you.

When I was in high school, I skied, but I wasn't very good. I really wanted to be better so I joined the ski team at Berkshire East. I was horrible at first, laughed at even. But I kept working at it and got better and better. It was the perfect time, because I was young and impressionable. I learned that if I worked hard at something I could be successful. It was a huge confidence booster. That experience has been a lesson that has carried forward my whole life.

What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

That's what I'm doing right now!

Maybe I would become an astronaut and go to Mars. I’d love to explore somewhere new. There are so many other factors in that beyond what I can do, but I really like the idea of exploring somewhere unexplored. Mars would be good.

How would your life change if you won $5 million in the lottery?

I don’t think much of anything would change. Would I quit my job? I’d probably do something similar than what I'm doing now. The difference would be I’d have more freedom to experiment, since I wouldn't have to worry about it being profitable. Something to do with electronics - learn more about electronics and go from there. It would be fun to invent educational games for kids, on an I-pad maybe. A game that could become part of their classroom - interactive. Kids could play each other. They could do it at Mary's orphanage.

You’re dropping your kid off at college for the first time. What advice would you share?

When I went to college someone told me don't eat the pizza. She told me this because when she went to college she gained a lot of weight, and it was because she and her friends ate pizza all the time. So I never ate pizza in college.

That’s too bad. College is all about eating pizza.

I know, it’s true. I didn’t gain as much weight, but I really did miss pizza.

Why are we here?

For the free sundae.

You just finished it, so why are you still here?

The reason we're here sounds sort of egotistical. It’s to satisfy ourselves. I came about because I wanted to satisfy myself. But then again if I wasn’t here there would be no me to answer that question. Does that make sense?

So what really matters? Places like this matter. I can get ice cream lots of places, but what we need is a place that has good ice cream. It makes you appreciate good things. It’s about finding places and things that can be found everywhere but are just better. And they make you want to be better.

Ok, you can have another free sundae for that last answer.

Sundae Experiment: Volunteer #1.

Let me just start by stating for the record, Mary is a very good friend of mine, and perhaps the happiest person I know. She recently made a career change from corporate fundraiser to first grade schoolteacher, and she couldn't be happier with her new life. That, and the fact that she's the type of friend who would do anything for you, made her the perfect candidate for being the first victim in my Sundae Experiment. It was interesting and a little awkward at times as I fumbled through my questions and honed my interviewing skills on the fly. But Mary was a great sport about everything, pausing after each question I asked to really think about her response. I took it more as a dress rehearsal, and it turned out be extremely helpful to cut my teeth on a friend, so to speak.

I got a good feel for which questions seem to work and which ones don't (ie. blank stare in response). And I learned that, at least in Mary's case, my taking notes was much preferred over recording the conversation. Puts a bit more pressure on me, so I'm hoping I'll get the green light for recording from most of my volunteers. They say after the first few minutes, the interviewee forgets all about the recording so we'll see.

Confirming to her that I wouldn't publish anything before she got a look at it and gave the a.o.k. also helped ease any anxiety she may have felt.

I quickly discovered that I may have to ask more than 5 questions. My finished piece will include 5 answers, but the conversation will probably take a few more than that. Glad I have a few pages to choose from already. I'm still toying with the idea of providing the questions in advance. Which I suppose to a certain extent I will be doing by sharing her interview and others along the way..

One thing I didn't get to check was how long I would have to conduct each experiment. Having bought a pint of the maple bacon and shared it with friends earlier that day, she was 'ice cream'ed out' by the time our Sundae appointment came around. So instead she enjoyed an Earl Grey tea and took a 'scoop coupon' for her free sundae. I'm certain the conversation took longer than what will be 'usual', since, as I mentioned, ours was as much about me figuring out the interview process as her actually being interviewed. All that being said, it was fun, and I think it went pretty well.

Now on to the next challenge, transforming my notes into a readable entry. Here goes...

Describe a person, place, book, or event that has had a big influence on your life.

Locust Street in Kansas City. That is where my grandparents lived and where I spent my summers growing up. The days were fun and carefree, spent with family that deeply cared about me. We shared meals, bike rides, trips to the library, long talks on the front porch eating popcorn and watermelon. The pace of life was comfortable and relaxed. Those were truly special times.

If you were to do your own 'rocking chair test' today, what do you see?

I'm most proud of my relationship with my grandfather. We were very close. I am so grateful that I had the chance to know him so well. In the last few years, I had the opportunity to care for him when he was sick and be by his side when he was in the hospital. He had a tremendous amount of gratitude for life and enjoyed simplicity. I feel like the person I am today has a lot to do with the time I spent with him. I suppose my only regret is I wish I could have spent more time with him. I think of what would have happened if I had moved to Locust Street after college. Then again, if I had done that, perhaps I’d still be living in Missouri. And I am very happy and grateful for where I am now.

If you were about to drop your kid off at college for the first time, what advice would you give him/her?

Remember to balance your day. Study and do well, but also try to take advantage of the tremendous amount of resources a university has to offer. The most frustrating thing about college is not having enough hours in the day to take all the courses that interest you, join all the clubs you want, participate in all the activities…the important thing is to learn about yourself so that you can allocate you time the way you truly want to.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

Dress like a princess and fly to the moon.

I'd also like make a significant contribution to the lives of children in need. I want to give them strength and stability and a nurturing environment. Perhaps find a way to improve the foster care system so that children that are in risky or difficult situations can have more support and stability in their lives. Maybe start a school where they can live and learn.

What's your secret to happiness?

Gratitude.

I'm grateful for all the love I have in my life. I have a great family and a person who cares deeply for me. I have a classroom of students that appreciate what I have to teach them. I live in a nice place with a strong and tight community. To love something or someone is to have a deep appreciation for them. I find that you can apply gratitude to nearly any situation and instantly it becomes better. Gratitude is the secret to happiness. My grandfather taught me that.

So there you have it. I hope and expect to get better at this with practice, but a good start I think. Here's to good starts.

Thanks for listening.

jim